2018
– 15 Years!
It’s
been a busy year one way or another. I
launched a new business; we had the most incredible month away in LA, where we
were able to take the grandparents away with us. We rented an amazing house and created many
memories for the kids, including granddad’s retirement/birthday with a stretched
limo ride and dinner overlooking the ocean; But the highlight of the year is that
Zoe and I have welcomed a new son – Sampson.
The
trouble is that whilst all these lovely memories are being created, we can’t
help but think about those people who are not with us. It makes such moments very bitter sweet. Such is the contrast of death and the
grieving process, even in the midst of the waves of raw and brutal sadness and
anger, one can have moments of feeling happy.
This cycle never stops. I have
come to learn that this is what life is like after the death of someone you
love, someone irreplaceable. Life goes
on, but there is always that weight in your heart, emptiness in your stomach
and thought in your head that the particular person is not there.
One
of the worst decisions we made at the time of Debbie’s death was to spray her with
her favourite perfume in the Chapel of Rest.
At the time it took away THAT smell (only people that have been in this
situation will know what I’m talking about) and gave us comfort. It was like, even as she lay there eyes
closed, she still had her unique “Debbie Sparkle.” At the time it worked. However, fast forward 15 years and it’s a different
experience. Every time, since those few
days in the Funeral home, that I smell “Angel”, I am taken back. It reminds of everything negative, sad and
depressing about those awful few months.
In an instant, I relive spraying her lifeless body with it. I relive the day I drove to the hospital. I relive the moment I saw her the first time
and just fell to the floor. I relive
everything.
I
find myself instantly hating (and I mean hating) those people who wear it. Those people I have never met, who don’t deserve
to be hated, get my worst side. For the
first few years after 2003, I comforted myself by thinking perfumes come and go
and this will soon be unfashionable.
Well the opposite has happened, they have launched men’s editions, new ladies
versions and they all have the underlying fragrance of ANGEL! FFS!
But I
decided in January of this year, I cannot live like this. I am the only person keeping this negativity
fuelled. I am the only person who thinks
these thoughts that then creates the powerful emotions. So I am working on myself to change it. Instead of thinking negatively when I smell
Angel, I stop and think a happy thought.
Like the fact that someone has crossed my path and created a moment when
my sister has popped into the forefront of my mind. This is very much a work in progress and my
instant response is still HATE….but I do focus for a minute or so and say over
and over again to myself “hello Debs”….. and then think of a positive thought.
After
15 years as a negative trigger, I wonder how long it will take to become a
subconscious positive one………… lets see………
Until
2019, thanks for stopping by and reading this.
Take
care of you, your own and each other.
DING!