2018 – 15 Years!

 

It’s been a busy year one way or another.  I launched a new business; we had the most incredible month away in LA, where we were able to take the grandparents away with us.  We rented an amazing house and created many memories for the kids, including granddad’s retirement/birthday with a stretched limo ride and dinner overlooking the ocean; But the highlight of the year is that Zoe and I have welcomed a new son – Sampson.

 

The trouble is that whilst all these lovely memories are being created, we can’t help but think about those people who are not with us.  It makes such moments very bitter sweet.  Such is the contrast of death and the grieving process, even in the midst of the waves of raw and brutal sadness and anger, one can have moments of feeling happy.  This cycle never stops.  I have come to learn that this is what life is like after the death of someone you love, someone irreplaceable.  Life goes on, but there is always that weight in your heart, emptiness in your stomach and thought in your head that the particular person is not there.

 

One of the worst decisions we made at the time of Debbie’s death was to spray her with her favourite perfume in the Chapel of Rest.  At the time it took away THAT smell (only people that have been in this situation will know what I’m talking about) and gave us comfort.  It was like, even as she lay there eyes closed, she still had her unique “Debbie Sparkle.”  At the time it worked.  However, fast forward 15 years and it’s a different experience.  Every time, since those few days in the Funeral home, that I smell “Angel”, I am taken back.  It reminds of everything negative, sad and depressing about those awful few months.  In an instant, I relive spraying her lifeless body with it.  I relive the day I drove to the hospital.  I relive the moment I saw her the first time and just fell to the floor.  I relive everything.

 

I find myself instantly hating (and I mean hating) those people who wear it.  Those people I have never met, who don’t deserve to be hated, get my worst side.  For the first few years after 2003, I comforted myself by thinking perfumes come and go and this will soon be unfashionable.  Well the opposite has happened, they have launched men’s editions, new ladies versions and they all have the underlying fragrance of ANGEL! FFS!

 

But I decided in January of this year, I cannot live like this.  I am the only person keeping this negativity fuelled.  I am the only person who thinks these thoughts that then creates the powerful emotions.  So I am working on myself to change it.  Instead of thinking negatively when I smell Angel, I stop and think a happy thought.  Like the fact that someone has crossed my path and created a moment when my sister has popped into the forefront of my mind.  This is very much a work in progress and my instant response is still HATE….but I do focus for a minute or so and say over and over again to myself “hello Debs”….. and then think of a positive thought.

 

After 15 years as a negative trigger, I wonder how long it will take to become a subconscious positive one………… lets see………

 

Until 2019, thanks for stopping by and reading this.

Take care of you, your own and each other.

DING!